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| So I know I've been gone for a while, but in that time... I successfully lost like 10 pounds :)
So here are some celebratory pictures for all of you
It's the morning so i'm looking all nasty with my glasses and such.
15 more pounds to go though.
Good luck to you all.
xoxo
PS. I know my sites a wreck. I'll get on it, I promise. | | |
| I hate bulimia. I hate it so much.
I allowed myself 300 calories today- a yogurt, a rice cake, and a salad.
And I did amazing. I stuck to it exactly. I was fine. I didn't even want to eat. Then my roommate left and I was in the apartment alone. The second I'm home alone, the switch in my brain always clicks that says, "It's safe now. You can eat. However much you want. No one will judge you. And don't worry, you can just throw it up." So I ran into the kitchen and opened the cupboards. Then I stopped myself and called my boyfriend, because he knows about it, and I thought I could talk to him instead of b/ping. But he was in the middle of some really hard homework, so he just kinda said thanks for calling me i'm glad you're getting better then we hung up like 2 minutes later. It didn't work. I fucking ran back into the kitchen and ate so fucking much. Candy, cookies, peanut butter, chili...? i fucking never eat chili, popcorn, pretzels. Ugh it was disgusting. The whole time I was like this is dumb why are you doing this you're a fucking epic failure. And the sad thing was i set 3 goals for myself at the beginning of this week, one of which was to not purge before saturday. Fucking failure. So I threw it all up anyways. I fucking hate it. Then I was in a frenzy to wash everything up and clean all the dishes and put all the food away cuz I couldn't even bare to look at it any more. I hate doing this. i know it's probably killing my teeth. And I've pretty much dissolved the thing between your nasal cavity and your throat that prevents food from getting up there like when you laugh when drinking milk cuz i get food up there all the time and half the time puke comes out my nose. Bulimia is disgusting and I hate it. I think about all the time how this time is the last time. But the second I get the thought to eat anything out of my control, my brain goes on auto pilot and bulimia takes over. I wish this wasn't a part of my life.
Ughhhhh this sucks.
Sorry for the rant.
Gonna go work out now.
Hope you all are better
xoxo | | |
| Soo in the spirit of halloween, I did some serious restricting last week. All I had for the whole week wassss
-a veggie wrap split over two days
-half a greek salad
-a tinyyyyy bowl of pasta
Last thursday the scale said I was down 10 pounds... I don't trust it...
Today:
-Half a ceasar salad dressing on the side
-Apple sauce
-Worked out 2 hours
-Pasta binge-Pasta purge
-Worked out another half hour
I should feel fairly thin tomorrow
But for some reason I don't feel happy.
God ana is lovely.
| | |
| Just so ya know:
Height: 6'0"
LW: 115
CW: 135
HW: 145
Tan, Blonde hair, Blue eyes
Favorite Diet Food: Non fat milk
Favorite Binge Food: Pasta
Favorite Exercise: Eliptical
Favorite Thinspo: Nicole Richie
Where Do You Slip Up: With my boyfriend or when I'm home alone
When Did It Start: Fall 2005
Does Anyone Know: My boyfriend, one of my really close guy friends, and my best friend, who's also ana/mia
Do You Want Help: no
How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day: I like to keep it under 100. My general plan is just don't eat for as long as possible.
What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror: Very rarely am I happy with it. I'm usually disgusted.
Are You In A Relationship? Kind of? Been on and off for a year. We're in love though. But that complicated kind of love.
Are You The Fat Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends: All of us are thin.
Are You Depressed: Some days.
Ever Tried To Commit Suicide: I was a cutter, but never seriously tried, no.
Ever Been To A Psychologist: Ya cuz my stupid mother thought I had a drinking problem... god that was lame.
I AM
[x] anorexic
[ ] ednos
[x] bulimic
[ ] living off diet pills
[x] hungry
[x] thirsty
[ ] drinking something
[ ] Under 100lbs
[x] starving myself
[ ] participating in a fast
PEOPLE
[ ] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[ ] call me fat
[x] say I’m skinny
[ ] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[x] spread rumors about me
[x] force me to eat
[ ] say I eat too much
[x] wish I’d eat more
[ ] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic
I WISH
[x] I was thin
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn't have to eat
[x] could control myself
[x] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[x] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
[ ] I could stop being anorexic/bulimic
I LOVE
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[x] shaking
[x] being weak
[x] losing weight
[ ] being anorexic/bulimic
[x] green tea
[x] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself
APPEARANCE
[ ] I am shorter than 5'4.
[x] I think I'm ugly sometimes.
[x] I have many scars.
[x] I tan easily.
[ ] I wish my hair was a different color.
[x] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[had] I have/had braces.
[Contacts]I wear glasses.
[x]I would get plastic surgery if it were 100 safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than 2 piercings.
[nose] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[ ] I have freckles.
FAMILY
[ ] I've sworn at my parents.
[ ] I've run away from home.
[ ] I've been kicked out of the house.
[ ] My biological parents are together.
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[maybe] I want to have kids someday.
[ ] I've had children.
[ ] I've lost a child.
EMBARRASSMENT
[x] I've slipped out a "lol" in a spoken conversation.
[x] Disney movies still make me cry.
[ ] I've peed from laughing.
[ ] I've snorted while laughing.
[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried.
[x] I've glued my hand to something
[x] I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[ ] I've had my trousers rip in public.
RELATIONSHIPS
[ ] I'm single
[kind of again?] I'm in a relationship.
[ ] I'm engaged.
[ ] I'm married.
[ ] I've gone on a blind date.
[x] I've been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[x] I've cheated in a relationship.
[ ] I've gotten divorced
[ ] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
[x] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.
[ ] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.
[x] I've kept something from a past relationship.
SEXUALITY
[ ] I've had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[ ] I've had a crush on a teacher.
[x] I am a cuddler.
[ ] I've been kissed in the rain.
[x] I've hugged a stranger.
[x] I have kissed a stranger.
HONESTY
[x] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't
[x] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't.
[x] I've snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I've cheated while playing a game.
[x] I've cheated on a test.
[x] I've been suspended from school.
BAD TIMES
[x] I've consumed alcohol.
[x] I regularly drink.
[ ] I can't swallow pills.
[x] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[ ] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
[x] I shut others out when I'm upset.
[ ] I take anti-depressants.
[x] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.
[x] I've hurt myself on purpose.
[ ] I'm addicted to self harm.
[x] I've woken up crying
[x] I've lost weight
[x] I've gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me.
[ ] I'm at my thinnest
[ ] I'm at my biggest
[x] I've lost weight and kept it off
[x] I've lost weight but gained it back
[x] My weight affects my mood
[x] I weigh myself daily
[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[x] I thrive on compliments
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[x] I feel happy when I'm hungry
[x] I get depressed after I eat
[x] I've skipped a meal
[x] I've thrown food away
[x] I've spit food out
[x] I've fasted
[x] I've taken diet pills
[x] I've used laxatives
[x] I've purged
[x] I exercise
[x] I exercise so I can eat
[x] I work out secretly
[ ]I work out daily
[x] I exercise to counteract eating
[ ] I've fainted from exhaustion
I'VE DONE
[x] Weed
[x] Cigarettes
[x] Alcohol
[x] Diet pills
[x] Pain killers
[ ] Anti-depressants
[x] Ecstasy
[x] LSD
[x] Mushrooms
[ ] Speed
[ ] Cocaine
[opium, MDMA] Other
[x] I keep my eating habits a secret
[x] I have a ED blog
[x] I look at thinspo
[x] I collect thinspo
[ ] I condone pro-ana/mia sites
[x] I count calories
[x] I've had negative intake days
[x] I avoid food
[x] I hate food
[x] I love food
[x] I want to be this way
[x] I don't want to be like this
[x] I wish I could have more control
[x] Being thin is my top priority
[x] I don't want to get better
[ ] I am in treatment
[x] I'm doing this for me
[ ] I'm doing this for someone
[x] I'm doing this to prove myself | | |
| So my blogs a little bit under construction.... kinda like my life.
I'm considering transferring colleges :O... scarry. But more on this later.
Just a quick food post.
Did alright this weekend :/
Today, sucky.
INTAKE
Granola- 25
Fruitcup- 40
Animal Crackers and Peanut Butter- 300
Subway- 500
Healthy choice popcorn- 100
TOTAL: 965 :( lame.
This weeks plan:
Tuesday- Subway- Workout vids in room
Wednesday- Fast- Work out vids in room
Thursday- 500 split thoroughout day- 500 on elliptical- All over strength training
Friday- FAST until dreaded birthday dinner for one of my besties at Rainforest cafe.... Volcano cake included.- Workout vids in room
I've discovered skim milk is pretty much my best friend. It fills you up, coats your stomach, has no fat, and very little calories. And for only 15 more calories you can add sugar free nesquick. yay :)
mk off to homework.
later loves. | | |
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